How Hookwolf and Vista Saved Christmas
by Fabius Maximus
Summary: A thrilling tale that none believed would ever happen, and that the participants hoped would never be remembered! The day a Ward and a Nazi Blender-Wolf saved Christmas! BTW, this is not real serious.
1. Chapter 1

"You were supposed to _control_ him, Vista." Emily Piggot bit out her words.

"It, well, I didn't…"

"Didn't what? Didn't think that Clockblocker joking that nobody had to worry about Santa breaking into their houses because we'd _Birdcaged him_ wouldn't go over very well in front of an audience of parents and _kids?"_

"I'm never getting off of console duty, am I?" Clockblocker asked.

"Oh, no. For _this_ failure, for this utter catastrophe that has had my phone ringing _off the hook_ with everyone from the Youth Guard to Director Costa Brown wanting to yell at me, I've come up with something _special_." Director Piggot had a _look_ on her face.

Vista gulped. _Don't do that again. Don't say anything, remember she can smell fear…_

"There's a presentation at the Brockton Mall."

 _Oh no._

"Santa Claus will be there. You'll be going undercover…" She reached under her desk and pulled out two…

 _Elf Costumes_.

Missy prayed fervently for intervention.

A rampaging Lung would have done about right.

Sadly, no such salvation appeared.

"As Santa's elves."

"To, um, fight bad guys?" Clockblocker asked.

"No. To keep kids in line. To get Santa his water. To never, ever let anyone know you're wards. To spend the same _six hours_ I spent on the phone this afternoon, in conditions that were about as comfortable. While you're standing there, Clockblocker, you can _think_ about what is and isn't appropriate, and you, Vista can consider the importance of keeping your teammates in line and not making the PRT look stupid.

Missy glared at Clockblocker, then sighed. "Yes, Ma'am. Who will be in charge?"

"Santa. For the next six hours, you'll treat him like he was _Alexandria._ If he asks you to sing a song, you'll ask him what song he wants. The Day will be successful. You will carry out your duties, and make certain nothing goes wrong."

* * *

"If you want me to even think about getting back on board, you'll do this." Kayden said to Max.

"I can send some people—"

"No. This is _Christmas, you'll get the_ presents, and you'll get them yourself, Max. You'll walk into that Mall, and you'll _take time_. _"_ With that, Kayden turned and walked out of the room.

"Goddamn," Max finally said. The Mall would be a _nightmare_ , worse, he couldn't go with a large group, because he'd be going in his civilian identity. If something went wrong, he would need…

 _Wait a minute. I know._ Max smiled. After all, if he was going to be spending all day being miserable… He made a quick phone call.

A few minutes later Hookwolf walked in the door. "What is it bo—" he raised his hands, catching the cheery, holiday-themed clothing. "What the fuck is this?"

"Your disguise. I've got to go shopping at the Brockton Mall, If anything goes down, I need someone tough enough to handle it, and who would dream that Hookwolf would be dressed up as Santa Claus."

"Holy shit. You're serious. I don't know the first damned thing about being Santa."

"So? According to the guy I just paid to take a break today, you'll have two elves standing by at every moment. Ask them."

* * *

I just couldn't believe it. Rob a _mall_. Of _Action figures?_

"Sure, Skitter," Tattletale said with a grin. "It's too close to Christmas to order more, people will be paying through the nose to get the figures, so we distribute them to some of our associates for a 5,000 percent markup, and best of all, _no federal crime_. We rush in, get the delivery truck and charge off. No heroes, no PRT, just a bunch of angry housewives that are going to have to explain to their brats why they can't get the newest action figures." A vulpine grin split her face. "You've faced Lung. What's the worst some angry moms and security guards can do?"


	2. Mall Fun

Clockblocker hated his life. Here they were, on each side of some guy who was wearing a too-small Santa suit, with a hat pulled over his eyes and a big beard. On the other side, Missy was helping a mother whose kid had had a minor ah, accident on Santa.

Fortunately, the store had spare suits, and so Santa had leaped up and gone to get his new suit, returning with a grumbling that sounded like he was about to go stomping out of there.

Which would mean that Clockblocker and Vista wouldn't finish the job and Piggy would find something else for them to do. Something horrible. He didn't know what, but Piggy had a… _Talent._

 _I know, I'll talk to him._ "So, how long have you been a Santa."

"It's my first job as a Santa, kid…"

* * *

 _God, will that kid shut up?_ Sure it was boring, but honestly, the _jabber_ was making Brad long for a Lung attack. Seriously, it felt like the kid was trying to audition for _Mouse Protector's_ position.

Then the little girl elf dropped the cleaning bottle she'd been using to clean up after the brat with poor bladder control.

 _God-_ Brad's thoughts slithered to a halt, as unnoticed by everyone else, the blond _reached_ out…and space distorted just enough to get the bottle.

Vista.

 _The PRT—it's a trap—_ One hand clenched, a few knives breaking the skin, before he controlled himself. _No. They'd never send a ward here if they knew I was here. This is just an accident. Just stay cool, and leave when it's done. After all, teens need hobbies too._ Brad shuddered when he remembered walking into Rune's room one time and seeing her collection of boy-band posters staring at him with their soulless, empty eyes. He'd backed out like he'd just seen the Endbringers having a sleepover. But he could handle this.

* * *

Missy bit her lip to keep from screaming. She'd been looking down, and realized what was happening with "Santa's" hands and skin. She'd outed herself. She'd outed herself to _Hookwolf_. Hookwolf, who was dressed as Santa Claus.

That was causing a severe issue of cognitive dissonance regarding her image of Saint Nick.

 _He's here…I don't know. But it's not to attack us, and as long as he doesn't know I know who he is, we're safe. Just wait until we're out of here and call the PRT. I can't even tell Clockblocker to freeze him, because I don't know where the rest of the PRT is. And there are too many people here. Just wait. Just wait and it will be all over._

That was true. The Mall was packed, including a huge line for the new release of the PRT "Heroes of History" action figure line. Security was watching the increasingly annoyed line of mothers, crying children, and people trying to bribe their way into line.

Even through her Hookwolf induced worry, Missy had to smirk at that. There weren't enough figures for everyone, and _nobody_ was about to give up their place. Even Max Anders was standing in line, looking like he wanted to be _anywhere_ else.

Completely unaware of the Mexican standoff, Clockblocker grinned and gestured at a screaming child trying to get his mother to cut in line. "So, anyone ever hear the joke about—"

What hideously inappropriate thing Clockblocker was about to say was lost in a shriek. A shriek that told of Endbringer attacks, of the Nine, of horrors beyond comprehension.

" _The Undersiders have stolen the action figures! They're all gone!"_

And then everything went completely to hell.


	3. The Alliance to Save Christmas!

**Kaiser**

Max Anders knew that one day he would die, probably in some glorious stand against a great enemy, one that would have his legacy immortalized in song. Maybe even a Viking funeral with a burning boat as his allies remembered how he'd taken down Lung in his final battle.

Right now, however, he hoped that he wouldn't die _today_ , because he had no idea how you could write a glorious song around "trampled to death by angry housewives." For with the scream that the shipment had been stolen, _everyone_ had realized that the only figures in the Mall were the display items. And with a guttural roar, the _entire_ crowd charged, knocking Max flat on his stomach. Fortunately, he bet no camera could see what was happening, so he saved his life by armoring up. Deafened by the sound of dainty and not-so-dainty feet charging over his prone form, he growled in fury.

 _I hate Christmas. A legion of overweight mothers came closer than Lung_ ever has _to murdering me._

 _Still…_ "Hookwolf!" Kaiser snarled into the tinkertech communicator. If _he_ couldn't get the last action figures, then that meant his right hand attack dog would have to get them.

"Boss, I'm kinda—"

"Get the action figures!"

"I—the display copies are—"

"Then get the ones in the truck!"

"But- _"_

 _"Get the fucking action figures!"_

* * *

 **Hookwolf**

Brad looked around at the chaos that surrounded them. Here a mother held an action figure box under one arm, using her other to wail away with her purse. From the way it was smacking people around, he figured she _had_ to have a brick in it. Someone dove off the second story into the absolute mob forming around the display cases screaming _"Witness me!"_ On the other side of the room, a petite woman wearing a "Hugs are the Reason for the Season" was macing a security guard. The cheerful Christmas music made it all the weirder, especially since some of those ladies were fighting with a vicious focus that wouldn't have been out of place in one of his fighting pits.

And the boss had given him an order. "Sorry Kids, Santa has to go!" he said. _What's the excuse… Oh, right._ "And, um, feed the reindeer!"

"But—" Elf 1 started.

"You stay here and control the crowd," Elf 2, otherwise known as _Vista_ said. "I'll escort Mr. Claus to safety!"

 _Shi-_ "that's not necessary—"

" _Sure_ it is, I mean, what if you ran into say, some knives and _cut_ yourself."

Brad groaned. "Fine, escort me away."

 _I really hope she doesn't have people ready to try and arrest me. Getting birdcaged due to a riot on Christmas…_

Brad headed out back, fortunately free of the mob. He had a moment of uncanny and odd sympathy for the other elf, leaving the poor kid to deal with the mob. On the other hand, he'd probably be safer there.

"Okay, now—"

"If we lose the shipment, it will be a _disaster_ ," Vista said. "Piggot will keep me on console duty for the next fifty years. You know who I am, _Hookwolf_ , so truce until we get the toys back?"

"I get one—no, two."

"You're into _toys?_ "

Brad paused. That would hurt his rep, but what other—then he grinned. No, there was one way to really _pay back_ the person who had put him in this idiotic position.

"Nah, Kaiser is really into action figures. I've caught him playing with them once or twice." Hooks started to emerge from his body and a few seconds later, a wolflike form, made of shining metal stood besides Vista, just in front of the door leading to the outside.

Oddly enough, it still had Santa's hat and beard on it.

"Well?" Brad asked. "Climb on and let's get those toys back."

* * *

 **Taylor**

I was hanging on for dear life in the back of the truck. The idea had been great. We'd knocked out the security guards, grabbed the truck…

And off we went.

Things had been great.

Until fucking _Hookwolf_ came exploding out from the loading dock, and he was being ridden by…

"Is that an elf?" Regent asked.

"Riding Hookwolf?" I asked, then hit the partition between us and the cab. "Drive! Drive, dammit, drive!"

Grue must have heard us because the truck rocketed forward, Regent and I nearly being buried by a pile of boxes. One hit me on the head and I looked up, only to see the stern face of Armsmaster.

Oh goodie. Even as an action figure, he was trying to make my life hell.

"Why is Hookwolf wearing a Santa Claus hat and beard?" Regent asked, sounding befuddled.

"I. Don't. Know." I gritted out. We were moving too fast for my swarm to go after Hookwolf and it probably wouldn't work anyway.

"Regent?"

"Yeah?"

"Remind me to punch Tattletale the next time she says a job is going to be easy."

"Only if I can record it."

And then we were both hanging on for dear life as Grue took a turn, trying to keep us from dying at the Christmas-themed hands of a Nazi.


	4. The Chase Begins!

Tattletale would never admit it, but she wasn't perfect. Right now was a good example. Who would have dreamed that Hookwolf was in the mall.

 _Why_ was Hookwolf in the mall? She glanced out, using the rearview mirror and moments later her power started talking.

 _Not there by his own will._

 _Wants to be anywhere else._

 _Sent to get action figures by Kaiser._

 _Forced to disguise himself as Santa Claus._

 ** _Really_** _wants to be anywhere else._

 _Being ridden by a pissed off Vista._

 _You're completely boned._

"Shit!" Tattletale screamed. "Drive faster Grue, Faster! _Vista's_ riding Hookwolf!"

"The fuck?" Grue pressed the gas pedal down until the engine sounded like it was about to explode. "Why is a _ward_ cooperating with a _Nazi!"_

Tattletale took another look out the mirror, stared, then winced. "It appears, they've forged an alliance to save Christmas from the Undersiders."

"That's it," Grue growled. "Next time, _I_ choose the target. Something safe, like Alexandria's house."

* * *

Vista growled in angry anticipation. She raised herself up, Hookwolf holding her, somehow without even scratching her legs and _reached_ out.

And suddenly the truck was a lot closer, Regent and the bug-cape looking awfully worried.

"That's it, come to your doom…" Vista said. "Try and make me look bad, will you…"

"Hey, Kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Aren't threats my thing?"

* * *

"Regent, Trip him!"

"Sorry, my power doesn't work on the blender-wolf," Regent said. "What about your bugs?"

"We're moving too fast." _Think, think think, Taylor…_ There weren't enough bugs here to make use of, but down towards the bay… The fish market. Tons of bugs and flies. I could form a cloud of them so we could escape, but first I had to figure a way to slow them dow—"Regent! Get the action figures!"

"What?" I grabbed a big Legend box, and prepared to throw it. "We need to slow them up. GRUE! Turn towards the bay!"

"Right!" he shouted.

Suddenly, Lisa shrieked, "What are you doing with the action figures!"

"Trying to save our lives! Regent, FIRE!"


	5. A new Challenger Enters the Battle!

Brad had been attacked by everything. Guns, grenades, tinkertech lasers…

Okay, scrap that. He'd never been attacked by a collectible Legend action figure.

"The fuck?!"

"They're throwing the figures at us!" Vista shouted.

"No shit!" A 120.99 (retail) Myriddian figure missed him, shattered into a million pieces on the road.

"No!" Vista howled. "If we lose the figures…" She looked over to the side of the road where a janitor was standing, mouth agape, holding a heavy duty trash bag he was about to put into a city trash can. "Detour, detour! Right! Right!"

"What?" But Brad detoured. _Shit, she really has the angry voice down._

Vista grabbed the bag out of the janitor's shocked fingers, and then they were chasing the truck again. She saw more boxes sailing towards her, and then _reached_ out with her power, doing more than she had ever before, not simply decreasing the distance, but increasing the size of the bag as box after box sailed into it.

* * *

"Vista's pulling the boxes in!" I shouted.

"Or maybe she has Santa's bag?" Regent asked.

"Throw more! Throw more!" I yelled at him. The only way we were going to be able to survive was to slow up Hookwolf and Vista.

"No! No! That's our haul!" Tattletale shrieked, sounding like she was coming really unglued. The truck started swerving from side, to side, as Grue tried to get better traction.

"Fuck that!" Grue shouted, his voice loud through the partition window. "Throw as many as you can!"

I did, ignoring Tattletale's screams. We _had_ to stop them. Either that or my Christmas Present was doing to be death by Hookwolf.

But no matter how many we tumbled out, Vista's bag seemed to be sucking them all in, the twisting geometry of her power hurting my eyes.

"Grue!" I shouted. "Take Fifth! I'll block the side streets with my bugs!" I could reach in front of us, forming bug 'stop' signs along the other roads.

"Got it!" Grue shouted. "But we'd better have a plan by the time we get to the water front!

"We will! We just have to figure—" Suddenly, a loud horn sounded. A _really_ loud horn. And just behind Vista and Hookwolf, the side of an abandoned factory exploded open, and the bastard offspring of a tank and monster truck appeared. From it roared a really angry voice.

"I ORDERED ONE OF THOSE FUCKING DOLLS FOR SKIDDIE! THEY'RE MINE!"

Squealer. Fuck.

"You know," Regent said, not pausing in his firing of action figures at Hookwolf. "I think we may be the only criminals in town who didn't actually stand in line for these toys. You think they know something we don't?"

* * *

On the side of the road, Father Wilson was happy. Christmas eve was coming. And Generally he didn't have to have any serious sermons on that night. Just nice, happy sermons to put the kids—"CHRIST AND ALL HIS ANGELS!" He shouted as a truck sped by, two capes throwing boxes out of it. Then Hookwolf came tearing down the street, wearing… A _Santa hat and beard, while an elf was on his back!?_ THEN, just as he was processing that, some Tinkertech car with too many guns and a blond screaming obscenities from her hatch on top came tearing by.

"What th…"

"Mommy, look! Santa Claus and the Nazi's are saving Christmas!"

 _Fuck. Me._ He took his nice, normal sermon out of his pocket and started to tear it up. Why couldn't Brockton Bay be…

Normal? In any way shape or form?


	6. Kaiser's REALLY bad day

"Ladies," Kaiser said, the sound of his armor loud in the suddenly quiet room. He'd gotten up, and started to leave when everyone just stopped and looked at him. It was eerie. "I understand that this has been a trying time, and be assured that I will—"

"I bet he paid the Undersiders!"

 _Wait, what? How did they even come to that conclusion!?_

"Yeah! He's going to hold the bay hostage! Make me pay out through the nose or listen to my kid's crying!"

Kaiser looked behind him at the Santa Grotto. There was a door behind that, and he could leave with dignity.

"I assure you, that I had nothing to do with—"

"If we get him, we get the figures! GET HIM!"

 _Fuck dignity!_ Kaiser spun around and ran like Lung was on his tail. He vaulted over the Santa chair, the howling, bloodthirsty mob of angry housewives hot on his tail.

He charged for the service door, getting to it just barely ahead of the outstretched hands and purses. There was another person there, one of the elves, also heading for salvation.

"Close the door, close the door!" Kaiser shouted. The elf helped him slam the door shut, and then, oddly, the door… changed. Became utterly solid, almost like it had been…

Kaiser looked down at the elf staring up at him, wearing an elf suit and a familiar mask.

"Clockblocker?"

"The outer doors are locked!" the hero said."They didn't want people shoplifting and we're like, trapped in here!"

"Your powers make the door invulnerable," Kaiser said. "We're safe, I mean, unless…" A sound started filtering through the room. "Unless they take a fire ax to the walls around the door. Of course."

"Why do they want you!"

"They think that I organized the theft. You?"

"They want to hold me hostage so Santa will bring more figures."

 _Only in fucking Brockten Bay_.

"I can't freeze the entire room!" Clockblocker said. "They're going to come in here and they're going to—"

"Calm down!" Kaiser said. "There is a way out of here… This is on the third story so…" He reached out with his power, driving blades into the walls until he heard a thunk. "Good, a dumbwaiter. Keep freezing the doors!" Kaiser ran and started ripping plaster apart, until he got to the shaft. It was oddly narrow for a freight elevator, and sloped, but was a way out. "You go first!"

"Why me!"

Kaiser sighed. "Because I'm the one with the armor!" The hero needed no other urging and quickly dove into the shaft, quickly vanishing. Kaiser started backing off, even as the freeze effect ended and the door collapsed inward. With one outflung hand, he raised a fence of blades to keep them away and then dove for the elevator.

 _God, what_ _'_ _s that smell. Haven't they cleaned_ -

And then he heard the horrifying words from below as Clockblocker screamed.

 _"_ _It's a garbage chute from the food court!"_

* * *

In a room at the center of ABB territory, there was quiet as Lung sat down on his chair, kicked his shoes off and leaned back into it. There was no disorder, no panic.

For Lung was the dragon.

And Lung always finished his Christmas Shopping by November 15th. A smile on his face, he cued up the TV for his Christmas tradition, a marathon of all the Rankin Bass Christmas specials.

Just as planned.


	7. The Wrath of Vista!

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING!" Piggot bellowed as she burst into the command center. "I told those two to not get in trouble!"

"The Undersiders robbed the mall, getting all of the action figures," Renick said. "Information is sketchy, but it sounds like it triggered a full scale riot, and most of our PRT troopers are still engaged with assisting the BBPD in securing the site—to ah…" he looked around. "Rescue Clockblocker."

"Has their been any contact with him?"

"Other than a panicked scream that was cut off? No, Ma'am."

"What about Vista." _She's young but she can be sensible, and she could corden off…_

"She's acting to recover the stolen goods."

"WHAT? By herself!" Piggot swore. "I thought that sh—"

"Not by herself, Ma'am. Vista has cape assistance."

"Who?"

And it was then that they finally got a feed from the helicopter. Showing a van driving erratically down the road, being chased by a small figure wearing a familiar costume… Riding a shining wolf made of blades.

"Renick?"

"Yes?"

"Is that Hookwolf?"

"Ah, it appears to be, yes."

"And my _Ward_ is working with an E88 cape."

"Well, in her defense, she could be working under orders."

Piggot slowly turned her gaze on Renick. "What. Do. You. Mean."

"From the hat and beard, it appears he was undercover as Santa, and well, you told the wards to 'listen to Santa like he was Alexandria.'"

And with those words, Renick was forever off Emily's Christmas list.

And then, _Squealer_ got involved.

 _Scrooge had a point,_ Emily thought.

* * *

 _"_ _Squealer!_ Fucking Squealer, who's next!" I screamed.

"Really, don't give the universe any ideas," Regent said as he fired another box. "We're sort of running low on boxes."

"What? Stop, now!" Tattletale shrieked. She was looking increasingly unhinged as she glared at us through the partition window. "That's our haul!"

"That's a blade monster coming for us!"

And then rockets from Squealer's tank started landing around the van.

"I am _renouncing Christmas!"_ I shouted.

"Good, can I have your presents?" Regent asked.

* * *

Vista blinked in horror as she watched the truck bounce around with the shocks from the explosions. "Give me my fucking present!" Squealer shrieked and then launched another volley.

"She's going to blow up the truck!" Vista said in horror. "Wait a minute, how can she get her present if she blows them up?"

Brad looked up at her. "What part of drug-addled merchant did they not cover in the Ward's program?"

"Good point! Hang on," Vista started sort of warping space around the truck. Squealer's missiles were slow so she could throw their aim off and the guys in the truck had evidently run out of most of their ammunition.

 _Any minute now…_

Then Hookwolf started to slow.

"What are you doing?"

"We got most of the loot, you can return it, I can get my share and I don't have to risk getting a Ward blown up on my watch."

"No, wait!" _Because if I get them, Piggot will never be able to punish me! I'll be the ward who brought the Undersiders in!_ But Hookwolf was slowing up, and suddenly she knew what she had to do. Vista reached out, pulled space close to her, and made a leap that would have been forty feet normally, but was now in reach. A leap that sent her, feet first, into the driver's side window."

"Wh-KID, the FUCKING MISSILES!" Brad stopped slowing up and redoubled his pace. _Stupid crazy teen, what is it about teen girls! Rune wanted to take Dragon, she wants to go to a truck that's about to be blown up, what's next, a Girl Scout Troop that goes to Endbringer fights?_

* * *

"We're almost there!" Tattletale screamed. "We can lose them on the waterfront."

"What about the fucking _tank?_ " Grue snarled. "I—" What he was going to say was lost as a pair of dainty feet (in elf-styled sneakers) slammed into him as Vista came in through the open window.

"PULL OVER!" she screamed, as Grue turned to fight her. The truck swerved alarmingly, as Tattletale dove for the wheel to keep them from meeting sudden death. Unfortunately, Grue, occupied with an armful of Vista-wildcat had jammed the accelerator clear down and Tattletale _couldn't get to the brakes_. Now the truck was weaving wildly from side to side as she tried to drive it, while avoiding fists, feet and headbutts from the fight right next to her. Then Vista actually _bit_ Grue and by reflex he…

Filled the compartment with his darkness.

"Grue, Grue!" Tattletale shouted. "Shut off the fucking darkness, I can't see!" _Oh God, we're going to die and we're going to be known for dying for the stupidest reason ever!_

And then Grue heard her, the smoke vanished, and three faces beheld what lay in front of them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Emerged from three panicked throats, as they realized that Tattletale had turned onto a wooden pier that extended into the bay.

And they were about twenty feet from the end of said pier.


	8. Vista Victorious!

Grue hit the brakes—Too late.

"Oh SHIIIIIIITTTTTT!" Tattletale yelled as the truck gracefully flew off the pier, shedding Taylor, Regent and the remaining boxes as it did, before it struck the cold waters of the bay.

"Abandon Truck!" Grue shouted and kicked the front windshield out as the water flooded in. Moments later, Tattletale, Grue and Vista were escaping, Vista carefully keeping her face obscured as they scrambled out onto the hood of the truck, and from there got onto the top of the truck.

Behind them, Regent and Skitter exploded from the water, surrounded by floating boxes.

"We're so fucking dead," Skitter said.

"Got that right, kids." The Undersiders looked up to the pier, where Hookwolf stood. "And now—"

"Get away from MY FUCKING PRESENT!" Squealer screamed, bringing her truckosaurus onto the pier.

* * *

"You're going to take me?" Brad asked. "You really are stupid."

"I've got the biggest guns here, asshole!" Squealer said, a grin on her face. "I'm going to bag me—"

Crack. Crack, crack.

"What was that?" Squealer asked.

"Oh…Shi…" Brad didn't have a chance to say anything else as the mass of the tinkertech truck proved too much for the decades old, rotted wood. The entire pier gracefully collapsed into the bay, taking Brad, Squealer and the truck with it, sending a wave out into the bay.

"Hookwolf! GET OVER HERE!" Vista was gesturing at him, glaring at the two Undersiders, all three standing on the only above-water part of the SS Failed Heist.

 _Why isn't she in charge of the wards? No. Thank_ _ **God**_ _she's not in charge…_ Brad thought.

"You get your packages, and then I'm taking these guys in," Vista said.

"You really don't want to do that," Brad said. _I suppose I owe you this, since you helped me get Kaiser's packages._

"Why not?"

"A Christmas chase? Toys? If you bring the Undersiders in now, you'll be famous."

"Yes!" Vista said. Grue looked deeply suspicious but seemed unwilling to dive into the water with the Hookwolf-shark.

"No," Brad said. "You make your rep like that, you'll probably be forced to rebrand. You know, 'Santa's Little Helper'?"

Vista paled, blinking. "They would—"

"Elf, complete with themed Christmas uniform!" Regent said.

"Uh, Ugh…" Vista couldn't get any words out as the space around her started to twist.

 _Are kids supposed to get that throbbing forehead vein thing?_ Brad wondered.

"Fine!" She bit out. "You leave, and we take the presents, and we don't chase you!"

"No, wait!" Tattletale said. Her hair looked like a nest of serpents and her eyes were twitching alarmingly. "That's our haul! You can't take it, we'll—mpgh!"

"I agree with this deal!" Grue said, one hand firmly over Tattletale's mouth. "I'm proud to be a part of this deal!"

* * *

Squealer got to the shore, clutching her prize. All the packages had been wrapped up by a tinkertech gadget so the precious cargo inside was still intact. But her truck was toast and she could hear the approaching Protectorate forces.

"But you're not smarter than me!" She'd retrieved her secret weapon, the one thing the Protectorate had never discovered, the thing that allowed her to retreat from every fight without fear. The Stealth Enabled Human Powered Transport. Loading her package into the vehicle's basket, she pulled out into the road, none of the gaping observers paying any attention to her dripping wet clothing. Even Armsmaster didn't spare her a second glance as he roared by her.

 _It works everytime!_ Squealer giggled and rang the bell as she bicycled back home on her mundane 10-speed bicycle.

* * *

Far away, at a mall that was now the center of a truly vast number of police and PRT units, a neglected side door opened.

 _Squelch, squelch_. From it, two figures emerged, covered in old coffee grounds, spoiled eggnog, and less nameable things. Even the rats fled from the redolent odor. The taller figure, which looked like the odd combination of Sauron and Mush, stared at the garbage covered elf.

"Right. You know, if you ever mention this, I will have to hunt you down and do horrible things, correct, Clockblocker?"

"Mention this?" Clockblocker sounded like he was about to vomit or cry. Or maybe both. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to _forget_ this!"

"Then we have an understanding." With that, Kaiser turned and walked away.

 _Squelch, squelch, squelch._ "Rune, I need a pickup," he said. "And… Don't bring anything you want to keep. Also, we'll be stopping by the carwash. No. I don't want to talk about it." _Brad better have those god-damned presents._

Behind him, he heard Clockblockers voice. "Guys, here I—"

"IT'S MUSH! CONFOAM SPRAYERS FORWARD!"

 _"_ No, wait, I'm—" Anything else was lost in the spray of foam.

Kaiser didn't slow down. It was getting really annoying only being able to breathe through his mouth.

* * *

By the time Colin got to the wrecked pier, there was no sign of Hookwolf or the Undersiders. There was, however Vista, standing in front of a huge pile of intact action figure boxes, what looked like an overstuffed bag slung over one shoulder. She had one foot on a pavement stone, looking for all the world like a short, Christmas-themed conqueror.

"Hi!" Vista said. "Does this count as helping Santa?"


	9. Epilogue

Epilogue

It was Christmas morning at the Byron house. Missy's parents had engaged in their passive-aggressive family time and were now off, leaving Missy with her presents.

Two presents in particular. The first one was a letter from Director Piggot, who, after threatening Missy with transfer to a containment zone, grudgingly admitted that she had worked to get Hookwolf out of a potentially dangerous situation. Clockblocker had, for once, looked so pathetic that he'd gotten off Scott Free, that is, after Armsmaster had managed to clean him off.

However, _Vista_ was "being punished."

Missy couldn't keep the grin off of her face. She was being punished by spending two months in LA working for Team Alpha, a Ward's team that worked directly under _Alexandria_. It was supposedly the hardest course in the entire program and barely 40 percent passed it. In fact, Missy wasn't even supposed to be there, since it was for ages 16+, but Alexandria _herself_ had waived that rule.

And then there was the other package. She hadn't opened it at first wondering who it was from. But then, she finally did.

There was a letter.

 _Yeah, Kid, we know who you are. Don't worry, the identity of the Wards is pretty much an open secret, but nobody's gonna do anything. If you doubt me, ask your boss's how good teens are about keeping secrets. Anyway, here's some Toybox tasers, and a pair of inertially enhanced escrima sticks. Read the documentation, and there's a (non-E88) dojo on 3rd and Allendale that has a great trainer._

 _Merry Xmas_

 _Brad._

Missy slipped the brass knuckle style tasers onto her hands and enjoyed the hum, before she picked up the escrima sticks, their inertial enhancers making them heavy in her hands.

"I wonder what my power can do with these…" Slowly, a grin appeared on her face.

Peering through the window, her mother smiled. She had such an angelic look—maybe Missy liked the "Perfect Princess" dress she'd bought her.

On the other hand, that grin showed just a few too many teeth for comfort…

* * *

The Undersider's lair

The Undersiders did exchange presents. Bitch got yet another box of squeaky balls for her dogs, Regent got new video games, I got an Alexandria themed overcoat, Brian got some new boxing gloves…and Lisa…

Lisa was staring at a box. There had been no identifying marking on it, so we were all staring at it.

Then, she opened it, and as the wrapping fell away, the grim face of Armsmaster, safe in his wrapped box, appeared.

"I-I, one of the, boxes, big…"

"Gee, TT, if you'd wanted one, we could have just stood in line." Regent smirked.

Tattletale stared at him. At me. At Grue, looked like she wanted to say something and then…

"EEEEEEEE—" _thump._

"She's down," Regent said.

"And foaming," I replied.

* * *

E88 HQ

Kaiser was relaxing. Well as much as a man who felt like some of his skin had been sandblasted off, could relax. But he wasn't _stinking_ anymore. In fact…

"Ah, Kayden." He said warmly. "I take it the presents were acceptable?" Kayden was holding a box, and her expression caused alarm bells to start ringing.

"Aster loved hers," his estranged wife said. "But Theo… Max, how could you?"

"Um, what?"

"It was a _pink_ box. Those action figures are for girls. Were you sending a message?"

 _The fuck? How the hell am I supposed to kn—_ "I'm certain he understands!"

"He does. He's very happy," she held up the box. "He's very happy when I told him that his father was just going to go _back to the store and exchange it tomorrow."_

Kaiser was about to say something, or maybe just scream inarticulately and then turn and run for the hills, when he and Kayden heard something that they'd never heard before.

Eyes wide, they both stared at Hookwolf, howling with laughter, _tears_ actually coming out of his eyes, fell out of his chair and onto the ground.

"B-best, Christmas _Ever!_ " he wheezed out.

The Everloving End


End file.
